For reasons which are, I trust, quite obvious, the "Sexuality" section of the Bookshelf is the largest. You'll also find sex-related books in many of the other sections of the Bookshelf, so please explore! I read voraciously, and I'm always interested in learning all I can -- especially about sex! Over the years, rather than growing bored or jaded, my interest in the topic has only increased. And I've found that there is always more to learn! 

While many books here focus on "mainstream" sexuality, many do not. I encourage my friends to avoid skipping over books you might not think pertain to you. In reading books about disability, I've learned more about how to give and receive pleasure with anyone, whatever their physical reality. In books about BDSM, I've discovered the heart of power exchanges, which occur in every relationship or encounter, though often far more subtle. And Tantra is more than just lots of sexual positions and prolonged sex. Sex Magick is, at it's heart, about energy, and how we use our physical and emotional energy with each other, and beyond. Books that look at the history of sexuality and orgasm have taught me much not only about myself, but given me a context for, and a deeper understanding of, how human beings relate to each other.

The point is, while you may not ever want to get tied up, or explore sacred sexuality, or have a relationship with a disabled person, everything has value, and something to teach us. I hope you enjoy these books! I invite you to share your thoughts or suggestions... just send me an email!
 

The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know
By Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams

I can't recommend this book enough, not only for men, but for the women who love them. Within these pages, men can learn to begin to have multiple orgasms, full-body orgasms, non-ejaculatory multiple orgasms, and also delay orgasm (especially helpful for those with premature ejaculation issues -- but also for anyone wishing to extend their sexual encounters).

How? Using very simple techniques, outlined clearly, and practicing them. One can practice with a partner, or alone.

This book is at the heart of my suggested reading and principles that I teach in my Sensual Teachings for Men sessions. While most of these techniques are also part of my Tantra and Sacred Sex sessions, the difference here is that much of the metaphysical aspects have removed, leaving the physical concepts.

While this book uses Taoist principles and some other traditionally Tantric concepts, The Multi-Orgasmic Man is at it's heart a very practical, plain-English, how-to book. You don't have to believe in any higher spiritual concepts to get the most out of it. You simply have to follow the directions, and practice, practice, practice!

The basic simplicity of the book really appeals to me. It's not a big book, and it's not complicated. And the results are utterly solid. I have had many clients who have used these concepts to significantly change their sex life, for the better. I can't recommend it enough. I will say that I think many men look for quick fixes and immediate answers, and that's not going to work here. One has to set aside skepticism, and just give it a try, and be willing to keep trying for several months.

For those who suggest practicing for several months seems like too much work, I point out that many other favorite masculine pursuits -- repairing cars, building computers, playing golf, etc. -- require time to learn, and practice to perfect. So it is with the concepts presented in The Multi-Orgasmic Man. But honestly, aren't multiple, full-body orgasms and hours of fantastic sex worth a little practice? Far better hobby than golf, if you ask me.

Enabling Romance: A Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships for the Disabled (And the People Who Care About Them)
By Ken Kroll and Erica Levy Klein

For the most part, I really liked and enjoyed this book. I'll start right in with my one complaint, then cover the good stuff.

In my opinion, the only truly negative aspect of Enabling Romance was the authors' treatment of the idea of sex work, and prostitution -- approaching sex work from a clearly uninformed, judgmental view. It is obvious they did little research on this aspect of sexuality, which, in my opinion, does a disservice to their readers. Their take on sex work is traditional and stereotypical, with commentary about how time spent with a prostitute is cold, impersonal, and unfulfilling. Not only is that not necessarily true, it's belied by the two men they interviewed who commented on the subject, both of whom reported positive experiences with sex workers. The authors then chose to avoid further research, despite the fact they couldn't find an interview subject to agree with their prejudiced viewpoint. Not only stupid, but irresponsible, in my view.

I believe that if you are writing a book on sexuality, you have to be open to a variety of ideas, including those that you yourself might not find pleasurable. Especially if you are writing for an audience that is traditionally marginalized (as disabled people are!), the idea of marginalizing others seems laughable.

Otherwise, however, I found Enabling Romance to be an excellent book, which gave me new insight not only on sex and disability, but sex in general.

Kroll and Klein discuss how, up until just the past few years, disabled people were really denied sexuality. For so many years, there's simply been this assumption that if someone is disabled, they aren't allowed to be sexual beings -- that sexuality is only reserved for the physically healthy. Indeed, seniors often encounter this cultural sexual nullification as well. For example, disabled people living in care facilities, if found masturbating, or engaging on a sexual level with another person, are forced to stop. Too often, people with disabilities are treated like children. From a psychological standpoint, it makes a kind of sad sense; when someone needs physical care like a child, it's hard to accept that they have an adult sexuality.

The book treats disabled adults like adults, recognizing that they have physical drives and needs like anyone else. One thing I found particularly enlightening -- when we start to look at disabled people, we have to stop thinking in the penis-vagina dynamic, which is utterly natural to those of us who are not disabled. For some, traditional intercourse is impossible. Rather than feel sorry for those people, or assume that any other sexual behaviors would be "less than" the "real thing," instead we must look at how we define pleasure, sexuality, or even orgasm.

One story, for example, described a man who was paralyzed from his shoulders down. Yet he had a wonderful, fulfilling sex life. A light caress across his shoulders and upper back could bring him to orgasm! Now while he said it was not the same as a genital orgasm, he said it was just as pleasurable. Not the same, just different. I found this amazing, and it opened up a whole new door in my mind about how we define pleasure, about which parts of our body are erotic, about the incredible role the brain plays in orgasm -- a much larger role than I had imagined. And I had to think about how that new knowledge translates into sex with partners who are not disabled. What if, instead of focusing on the genitalia, we begin to view the entire body as a sexual organ? I read this book before I began a serious study of Tantra and sacred sexuality; these principles are reflected there.

The previous example is just one reason why Enabling Romance is so fascinating, and the information so intriguing for those of us who are "abled." Last, but certainly not least, I really enjoyed the stunning, beautiful illustrations by Mark Langeneckert (an example is above). The illustrations were in some cases very sexually explicit, and quite arousing and sexy. Langeneckert's illustrations convey visually what the book itself is trying to get across: that disabled people not only are sexual people, but also sexy people, too.

The Complete Idiot's Guide: Tantric Sex
By Dr. Judith Kuriansky

I should offer a disclaimer on this book right up front: serious students of Tantra dislike this book. Critics, perhaps rightly so, claim that Kuriansky is purely interested in making money, and book with the word SEX on it in huge letters achieves that primary goal. But I think The Complete Idiot's Guide: Tantric Sex is good for people with little or no experience with Tantra, the curious, or couples looking to juice up their sex life and relationship.

Tantra is more than just sex; it's a whole philosophy that applies to all areas and facets of life. But for most of us in the West, the word "Tantra" is synonymous with sex. And for many, that's all they're interested in. They have no desire to practice hours of sitting meditation, or attempt a vision quest, or even to attend a puja or Tantra classes. They simply want to understand a little of what Tantra is about, and learn some ideas for enhancing their sex life. Or perhaps they'd be interested in becoming serious student of Tantra, if only they could make sense of it, have a place to start from. For these people, The Complete Idiot's Guide: Tantric Sex, is a good beginner book. This book brings Tantra into the mainstream.

I will certainly be including some Tantra books here in the Bookshelf that are aimed at readers who are more serious about the practice, or for those looking for more advanced concepts. But I do believe that this book is useful, despite some misinformation or oversimplification. Everyone has to start somewhere, so why not here? Tantra is complicated. It features concepts and ideas that are unfamiliar to Western readers. This book breaks things down into a simple, understandable, approachable format.

Tantra, at it's heart, is about love and balance. Everything else is just details. The book features ideas for connecting with your partner on a deeper level, and sharing a greater degree of intimacy and sexual pleasure. Concrete examples and suggestions make reading the book fun. Simply focusing on ways to improve one's sex life, and putting energy and attention into that thought, create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Having an easy-to-read map to follow is always nice.

While this book isn't perfect, I honestly haven't found another book on Tantra that manages to introduce so much information in such an easily-understood format. Spirituality is the essence of Tantra, but it is understated here, and not so "hippie" and "new age" that mainstream readers will be unable to identify. And there is enough genuinely good information here to tantalize a reader interested in exploring Tantra at a deeper level.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
By Philip Miller and Molly Devon

I honestly believe that Screw the Roses may be one of the best books ever written on Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism -- BDSM. The book is not only fascinating for the novice or the curious, but also a good read for the most experienced in the "scene," as it's called.

For most people who practice only more traditional (or "vanilla") sex, BDSM is something of a mystery, something people make uncomfortable jokes about. This book is not only explanatory, detailing practices, ideas, and safety, but it is also enlightening. It shows how much fun BDSM can be, and why it's fun. I think for many people, they wonder why anyone would want to be tied up, or flogged, or humiliated. Screw the Roses gives a closer sense of those reasons than any other book on the subject I've found.

I've often said that BDSM is "graduate level" sex. That for many people who are serious students of all that is sexual, eventually they come to exploring BDSM, at least in minor ways. The book made me want to try things I haven't tried, just by making it sound so fun and interesting. Further, what you discover, as you explore the essence of the power exchange (which goes on in every relationship, just not overtly), you discover that it's not only fun, but it goes deeper than that. You begin to learn more about yourself, your desires, your motivations, your needs, the way you relate to others.

In exploring how you personally take and give away power, you find yourself with a stronger awareness of such dynamics. You are more confident, better able to make conscious choices about when you take, or give away, control.

This book takes a joyous, loving approach to BDSM, which resonates with my own experience. Further, safety is strongly emphasized throughout. Safety is critical, and anyone in the Lifestyle (non-professional) or Pro scene understands this intimately. BDSM is greatly misunderstood, with many stereotypes and prejudices by those who haven't personally experience any play in this area. Some people experiment for a while, then move on (I am one of these). Others find something they were always looking for, and become seriously involved with the Lifestyle for the rest of their lives.

For me, BDSM is merely one facet of my sexuality, in the same way that Chinese food is one of the many different ethnic foods I enjoy. But I do think that Screw the Roses is a wonderful book to introduce people to the fundamentals of BDSM, even if for nothing else than to satisfy curiosity, or attempt to understand pleasures that differ from our own.

Modern Sex Magick: Secrets of Erotic Spirituality
By Donald Michael Kraig

Modern Sex Magick is another of the "great books for beginners" in the Bookshelf. But this book is also rather controversial, for several reasons. First, it addresses an aspect of sacred and spiritual sexuality which, for many, is outright dismissed. Unlike it's more socially accepted sister, Tantra, Pagan and Wiccan sex magick is fairly far removed from mainstream sexuality. Further, practitioners of both Tantra and Pagan Sex Magick tend to question, reject, and belittle the other's beliefs.

However, I have a different view. I believe that everything has some kind of value, and that it is possible to combine different theories and belief systems -- thus achieving a new kind of sacred sexual practice, which has a validity of its own. I like to believe that a sacred sexual practice that is inclusionary has more power, not less, and can appeal to a wider audience. Further, an open-minded study of Tantra, Wicca, and other belief systems incorporating sacred sexual practices, reveals a wealth of commonalities. In short, we're a great deal more alike than we think.

For many people, they have a hard time getting past the fact that sex magick is witchcraft. Just as with BDSM, our lack of understanding tends to translate into stereotypes, prejudices, and judgments based on faulty information. The people who practice Wicca do indeed call themselves witches, and their rituals are often called witchcraft. But Wicca, while it would like to be an "old religion" is not. It is a modern belief system, created within the last 150 years, though based on perceptions of how "old religions" (meaning pre-Christian) practiced their faith. For the most part, they do not worship Satan, or any other such nonsense (of the handful of people I've met who claimed to worship Satan, every one was damaged person who was basically trying to shock people and get attention).

Wicca, overall, is a positive, loving belief system. And there are as many different kinds of witches as there are different ways to be a Christian. Universally, they value religious freedom almost above all else. Modern Sex Magick is a fascinating read for everyone, if for no other reason than to begin to come to some understanding of a marginalized spiritual practice.

Pagan belief structures allow for the presence of a Goddess, as well as a God; some envision multiple Gods and Goddesses. But when we break this down to its essence, we begin to find the commonalities with other structures. One of the foundations of Tantra is the balance between male and female, within ourselves, and in the universe as a whole. Both sex magick and Tantra work with the idea that we have energy flowing through our bodies, and that we can control and direct that energy.

Intent, our feelings and thoughts, the way we direct our energy and share it, is the essence of magick, and also Tantra. Indeed, our intent defines the quality of our lives, both in and out of the bedroom. Negativity breeds negativity. If we focus on the positive, we are happier people.

Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50: Revving Up Your Romance, Passion & Excitement!
By Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer and Pierre A. Lehu

What would a collection of sex books be, without a book by the iconic Dr. Ruth? I love simple, straightforward books like Sex After 50. Most people aren't interested in scholarly works or statistical studies of human sexuality. Most of us like to have someone break the studies down into the essence of what we need to know. And Dr. Ruth does that with humor, kindness, fun, and honesty.

I recommend this book especially for couples, perhaps something men might like to bring home for their spouses. I think the book really helps both men and women understand that while their bodies are changing as they age, great sex is not a thing of the past.

I think both men and women, as they age, find themselves frustrated or feeling insecure about sex. Often, we tend to live in the past, thinking about what sex was like in our twenties, comparing our current abilities, and feeling disappointed and sadly lacking.

Books like Sex After 50 begin to give us a way to feel positive about ourselves, our bodies, and our sexual desires. As long as we focus on negative comparisons with the past, we can't enjoy what we have, or even begin to learn how to adapt to aging.

This book looks honestly at the physical effects of growing older, and offers concrete suggestions and ideas for accepting these changes, and working with them. Further, it explores psychological issues -- sexual boredom, insecurity, body image, self-esteem. Dr. Ruth brings up fun, spicy ideas to bring life into a long-term relationship, including games, sex toys, very light BDSM, and more.

Sex After 50 is just one of many books in my personal library that deal with sex and aging. While I am just beginning my 40s, I am already experiencing some of the physical effects of growing older, relating to my sex life. Rather than mourn my past, I'm choosing to simply make adjustments to my sensual outlook, and move forward. For many of us, change is difficult, and when we find ourselves unable to carry on like we used to, we give up. I refuse to give up on sex -- it's one of my favorite things! And learning about future changes that many occur as I age simply prepares me for any eventuality. Additionally, the more I can learn about sex and aging, the more I can relate, on a sexual level, to others.

I think that a greater understanding of the way aging effects sexuality, combined with knowledge I've gained working with the disabled, and studying sex and disability, brings me around again to the idea that pleasure is not merely genital or orgasm-based. Tantra and other sacred sex practices reinforce these concepts, and BDSM as well, to some extent. I have found that the more I've studied sex, in all it's forms and myriad facets, I begin to see connections in all things -- and each connection deepens my understanding of the others.

The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For all of us who live with disabilities, chronic pain, & illness
By Miriam Kaufman, M.D., Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette

I actually haven't finished reading this book, and normally I wouldn't include anything I haven't finished in the Bookshelf. But I'm already so pleased with what I have read, that I decided to go ahead and include it here.

First and foremost, to me anyhow, the authors of this book are accepting the role that sex workers can play in people's lives. They use the more-correct "sex worker" term, an umbrella phrase that includes all kinds of sex workers, from people working web-cams, phone lines, and prostitutes, to name but a few. Unlike "Enabling Romance," in which Kroll and Klein portray sex work in a dubious light (at best), "Ultimate Guide" acknowledges that connecting with sex workers is a choice, and can be a highly positive experience. Kudos to the authors.

The authors, overall, seem more open-minded and understanding of all kinds of topics, including BDSM and fetish, transgender issues, sacred sex, and more. They embrace the idea that disabled people are indeed just like everyone else, with complex sexual selves. I still think "Enabling Romance" is a good read, and has a great deal going for it. But I think "Ultimate Guide" looks like it's taking all of that a step further -- treating disabled people as simply part of the human race, with a few extra issues to deal with. As it should be.

Secrets of Western Sex Magic: Magical Energy & Gnostic Trance
By Frater U.:D.:

I really enjoyed Secrets of Western Sex Magic, and found it very enlightening on several levels.

Books on Sex Magic tend to be aimed primarily at a male, heterosexual audience. Frater U.:D.: writes for both men and women, and includes gays and lesbians in the equation. I like more inclusive books, and so this was terrific.

Also, most of those into Sex Magic tend to have this sort of superior, secretive attitude -- only those who are trained in the magickal arts, who have passed endless levels and tests, are allowed to know the secrets and perform sex magick, among other closely guarded secrets. In Secrets of Western Sex Magic, the author dismisses this nonsense, sometimes quite scornfully. He, like myself, believes in educating others, giving people knowledge, and letting them make their own choices about how to use it.

Sex magick is intriguing because, as with other sacred sexual forms, it emphasizes the movement and focus of energy. I've run into people in the Tantra universe who refer to Sex Magick as "Black Tantra," saying that it is negative, self-centered, even abusive, but I've also learned that intent is the heart and soul of sacred sex. Sex magick, with positive intent, can be a loving, good thing.

What I most enjoyed about Secrets of Western Sex Magic was the author's explanation and discussion of the Satanic Black Mass. It was not only educational and well thought out, but also entertaining. Frater U.:D.:'s discussion, beginning with the history of the Black Mass, and the social conditions which birthed it, and his observations about the place a Black Mass has in modern culture, were magnificent.

I've known a few Satan worshippers in my life, and they have all been (without exception!) weird, insecure, pathetic, angry people, desperate to frighten people so they could gain some kind of power over their useless little lives. As the author points out, traditional Satanism is pretty much a meaningless exercise in modern culture. Our society is no longer ruled by the Catholic church, so rebelling against it is just a silly, outdated exercise. A modern rebellion might involve burning Bill Gates in effigy, I suppose.

The main thing I got out of this book, and I hope others will have the courage to explore, is that the things we see as evil or dangerous, are simply things we don't understand. And, as with anything else, when we grow in understanding, we begin to be able to appreciate some positives -- even if we are unable to accept the whole.

Sexual Secrets: The Alchemy of Ecstasy
By Nik Douglas and Penny Slinger

For those who found The Complete Idiot's Guide: Tantric Sex intriguing, Sexual Secrets is the next step. This book is wonderful for those who want a truly in-depth, detailed book about Tantra and sacred sex. I do feel that the information here might be a bit overwhelming for a total novice, which is why I recommended the "Idiot's" book to start with. But this book will beautifully correct any misinformation one might have after reading "Idiots," while elaborating on all the things "Idiots" got right.

In this book, we begin to explore the idea that Tantra, and sexual energy, isn't just a "sex thing," but rather something that applies to our whole lives and beings. Sacred sex is about balance, and how all of our energy is connected. In the Western world, mind, spirit, and body are separate -- and the latter is seen as evil, a source of temptation and weakness. In Eastern thought, all aspects of ourselves must be in balance, and are connected. Further, rather than seeing the body and sexual desire as weak, instead it is a vital part of being a completely fulfilled spiritual being.

The down side of this book: it's vaguely homophobic, and really doesn't demonstrate and appreciation or understanding of same-sex love. Additionally, there are some detractors who find this book simplistic, a "beginner's manual." I don't think the book is simplistic at all; rather, for those not familiar with Tantra and sacred sex, it could even be too confusing. I would agree that it is a beginner's manual. With a basic understanding of Tantra, Sexual Secrets opens new vistas for readers unfamiliar with eastern sexual concepts. But it doesn't define those vistas -- merely sketches out the shape of things to come, with deeper study.

Penny Slinger's lovely illustrations contribute to the sense of beauty that permeates the book, celebrating the essence of love. Despite some weaknesses, I think that Sexual Secrets is a wonderful book, and very educational for those who are seeking more than just a great sex life, but also a spiritual path.