The Ultimate Erogenous Zone:
Sex, Love, and the Brain
by Beverly Fisher, Slut at Large and Woman of Easy Virtue

I love a good brain. It’s really the first thing I find attractive about someone – the way they think, the way they express themselves, their emotion and passion. For me, a gorgeous interesting brain can make a less-than-attractive person the sexiest human on earth.

While purely physical sex for it’s own sake can certainly be pleasurable, it is of course true that sex is better when we have a connection with our partner – love (always love!), but even just “like.” That intellectual and emotional connection, the brain connection, fuels the sexual experience. It makes sex hotter, more passionate, more profound.

The brain is where love lives, and where sex begins.

The orgasmic brain

For most of my life, I never really thought about the connection between my brain and my genitalia. Sex was just sex, purely physiological. Sure, the brain handled attraction, love, and even fantasies, but I was pretty sure it was my physical body which guided my sexuality.

But then I was reading a book on sex and disability, trying to better understand how to enjoy sex with friends who were “differently abled.” The book was titled “Enabling Romance: A Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships for People With Disabilities (And the People Who Care About Them),” by Ken Kroll and Erica Levy Klein. In it, I read a story of a man who was paralyzed from his collar bones down. He was incapable of traditional sex; he had no feeling in his penis at all, any more than he had feeling in his legs. But he described how, through light caresses and touches on his shoulders, he was able to achieve orgasm. While he acknowledged the orgasm was not the same as those he used to have before he became paralyzed, he said it was equally pleasurable, just different.

Equally pleasurable. An orgasm simply by touching the shoulders – certainly not a part of the body I had ever equated with sex.

The story set off a whole explosion of thought, revelations cascading one into the next.

My first thought was one that would later be reinforced when I began to study Tantra and other Sacred Sexual practices: the entire body is capable of being sexual, every inch of flesh potentially erogenous, every caress potentially orgasmic.

Which led to the second revelation: for all parts of the body to be erogenous and orgasmic, we have to be open to the idea, to consider it possible, to notice when a touch on the elbow, the feet, the spine, is something more.

Our brains seem capable of rewiring our orgasmic response, re-routing connections which no longer work (as with the paralyzed man) to connect with other parts of the body. I had never considered how crucial a role the brain plays in orgasm and physical pleasure. Our brains can create ecstasy, pleasures in which our bodies have only a small part. I’d always imagined it the other way around – the body, our physical responses, created most of the pleasure, and the brain only had a minor function – perhaps supplying a fantasy, or helping focus on the moment, in order to better experience the physical pleasure.

When I became aroused, I thought it was because my body was reacting to some kind of stimulus – visual, auditory, genital. That was my whole experience: I touch myself here, I have this pleasurable reaction. And pleasantly predictably, too.

Now it seemed the reverse was possible. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I’d had evidence of it all along.

When I was a teenager, my hormones went from liquid straight to gas. I was inhaling the stuff. It’s no surprise I started having these intense erotic dreams, often with imagery so disturbing, I awoke feeling horrified and ashamed. I did things in my dreams I’d been taught were dirty, bad, sinful, wrong. (Looking back on those dreams, it’s ironic to realize all of those filthy things I dreamed of are now things I’ve not only done, but enjoyed immensely and would encourage others to try.)

In my sexual dreams – to this day – I become completely aroused, to the point of orgasm. Without any physical stimuli at all, my brain creates my arousal. I feel every shivering caress, every kiss, hot damp flesh pressed against mine, as if they are utterly real. I awake panting and wet with desire.

The brain is powerful. And it seems that, at least to some large extent, the brain controls the pleasure response of the body, not the other way around.

A man with a foot fetish becomes physically aroused simply looking at a photograph of a woman’s feet. To touch a woman’s feet is even more ecstatic, intense. I don’t have a foot fetish; so the same experiences would leave me if not bored, then merely amused. The fetish, the excitement, is in the mind.

But I now understood I too could find feet arousing, or find ecstatic pleasure in having my own feet caressed, if I’m merely open to the possibility of pleasure. Especially if I’m open to the idea of experiencing my partner’s pleasure, of allowing my brain to perceive my partner’s excitement as my own. I slow down, watch the exquisite ecstasy on his face, listen and match his panting breath to mine, become aware of the stimulation of nerve endings, like tingling fire beneath my skin.

Dreams aside, these connections between sexuality and the brain are conscious decisions, choices we can make to deepen our connection not only with our bodies, but our partners.

But underlying our conscious perceptions are the neurochemical reactions, the ways our brain perceives and creates sexual feeling, orgasm, romance and love.

Good chemistry

Sometimes, when we try to explain our attraction (or, conversely, dislike) of someone, we’ll talk about “chemistry.” Usually we’re referring to a physical reaction – a passion for someone we’d otherwise find physically unattractive, perhaps driven by pheremones or hormones (and usually ending in moans).

I had a boyfriend once who was (to put it kindly) a complete loser. We had almost nothing in common; our relationship was a disaster. But we had “chemistry.” We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We were amazing in the bedroom, multi-orgasmic acrobats relentlessly driving each other to an ecstatic stupor. I say with some embarrassment that ending this otherwise lousy relationship was difficult.

But the reality is chemistry is how we define attraction for others all the time, not just otherwise inexplicable relationships. Chemistry governs how we think and feel about the world around us. It determines our emotions, our needs, our hungers and desires.

Our brains are a chemical soup, filled with neurotransmitters which create our view of reality, and of each other. People with depression or bipolar disorder have neurons firing too fast or too slow, releasing too many chemicals into the brain, or not enough. The result is mood so powerful, it creates a completely convincing view of reality – a way of perceiving the world, like “wearing rose-colored glasses” or always walking around with a “black cloud” over our heads.

We function as an ongoing chemical reaction. Chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine fuel the reaction. The information we receive, based on that reaction, is how we decide if we’re angry or not, whether we’re hungry or not, whether it’s a good idea to strip naked in the middle of the automated checkout line.

But there’s more to us than a bunch of chemical reactions, atoms bouncing around, white blood cells, and ankles.

I’m always fascinated by the debate about how much of who I am, as a person, is purely chemical reactions and the physiology of my brain, how much is conscious choice or control, and the whole nature of consciousness. What is soul, what is spirit? Does soul and/or consciousness (because, how can you be sure they’re the same?) have an influence on chemistry? How much control do I have over my sexual drives, my attractions, my loves?

Even hardcore agnostic scientists will concede there’s a whole lot they don’t have an explanation for, no matter how much they’d like to put it all down to dopamine and go out for a late lunch.

I think the answer must lie somewhere in the middle, as answers usually do in these matters. A bit of spirit, a bit of consciousness, a bit of chemistry and physiology. None able to exist (in this plane, anyhow) without the others. Each tethers the others to the ground. Spirit is connected to the brain, intertwined, inextricably linked to the source of feeling and information. In the end, each is a kind of energy, and in understanding it, we can shape it.

Endless pathways to love (and pleasure!)

Love, like Spirit, is a kind of energy that’s powerfully real, yet impossible to truly define. Sex seems easier to understand, with its primal energy and passion. But love and passion can meet in endless combinations.

I’ve always been attracted to the idea of polyamory. When I was a teenager I began reading books by science fiction author Robert Heinlein, and polyamory was a theme which ran through many of his books. He depicted families comprised of several husbands and wives, all sharing financial responsibilities, and even children.

I loved the idea – everyone took at least a day in the nursery, spending time with the children, but free to explore careers and other interests in the remaining days of the week. Thus the children were always surrounded by love, by parents who cared for them; the adults were surrounded by love, from not only the children but the other adults in the extended family. Free, joyous sex was part of the loving connection between the adults, and pregnancies were celebrated, the women honored as goddesses. Monogamy, even within such a family, is a ridiculous, outdated idea.

I won’t get into the warped feminist view of Heinlein’s work, but I’ve always admired Heinlein’s female characters, and felt he had a reverence for women, and viewed them as more than equals – perhaps even superior to men, in an utterly feminine way that could only be envisioned by a man who was raised in the early 20th century.

The practical application of polyamory is perhaps less elegant than Heinlein’s utopian vision. Finding two people who can get along well enough to live together for years is hard enough, finding several women and men who can comfortably live together in harmony would be exponentially more difficult. Yet even now, I imagine I would love having a big polyamorous family, finding like-minded women and men to share my life with, not restricting myself to a traditional marriage and the straightjacket of socially constructed monogamy.

I absolutely believe loving more than one person at a time is not only possible, but an intrinsic part of the way the brain is designed. Love takes many paths through the brain. One can simultaneously feel deep romantic love for one person, sexual attraction for another, and long-term attachment to someone else. All of these types of love and feeling follow different pathways in the brain, stimulate different areas. Mating opportunities increase when we are able to love more than one person, and from a survival of the species standpoint, polyamory makes sense.

But love and relationships are like sex – and just about everything else in the world – we can only live with what makes us comfortable, what feels good to us personally. Just because my brain is capable of understanding quantum physics doesn’t mean I want to follow that particular area of study. So too, our shameless, liberated brains may be capable of loving a thousand people on a chemical level, when most feel comfortable loving just one.

Yet while we are certain we make choices about love and sex for ourselves, our brain chemistry controls far more of our decisions, feelings, and understanding of the world than we might want to admit.

Crazy love

We all know there’s “love,” and then there’s “in love.” Love is a deep feeling which warms us, brought about by time and closeness, caring and shared experience. We can feel love calmly, rationally, aware of not only our feelings, but the world around us. Love is wonderful, but the sun shines regardless, and the earth continues to rotate on its axis.“In love” is that heady rush of endless desire and passion, the desperate need to see, feel, connect with the object of our affections, the feeling the world has turned upside down and nothing matters beyond that one magical, perfect person. Every breath of wind in the trees reminds us of their voice, every storm becomes the agony of separation.

I’m 43 years old. This past summer, I found myself falling “in love” with someone, a feeling I thought I’d never experience again. I hated it. It was an impossible relationship, with no chance of going anywhere. But more to the point, unlike my “in love” experiences as a teenager or young woman, I was conscious, on an intellectual level, of how being “in love” was an irrational feeling, divorced from reality, and it would pass.

I think women read romance novels or watch “chick flicks,” and somehow get this idea the feeling of falling “in love” will last forever, if they just meet the right person. That love can be this endlessly passionate, obsessive, breathtaking adventure which never ends. All of which is patently ridiculous, when one looks at the physiology of the brain.

Being “in love” is, thankfully, a temporary condition, brought on by wild late-night synaptic chemical parties in the skull.

According to a Rutgers University study, brain scans of people newly in love are almost identical to scans of people with mental illness. In another study, people “in love” and those with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) were found to have similarly low levels of the neurochemical serotonin. I know when I’ve experienced that “in love” feeling, I can’t stop thinking about the person I love, much as people with OCD can’t stop obsessing about certain thoughts.

Being “in love” stimulates the part of the brain which is also stimulated by hunger, thirst, and a craving for drugs. When we’re “in love,” the brain releases lots of extra dopamine, which produces a feeling of excitement and well-being, even euphoria. Being “in love” is actually akin to a physical addiction.

I think it’s interesting the region of the brain stimulated by new love is different than the area of the brain associated with determining physical attractiveness. Our brains register them as two separate urges. Physical attraction may lead us to our new love, but it’s something more that waltzes us over the threshold into “in love” insanity.

Romantic love, sexual desire, and feelings of attachment all work together and independently to create the feeling of being “in love.” Each one has it’s own neurochemical process in the brain. Sexual desire – always a big fan favorite – is most often associated with the hormone testosterone and the hypothalamus in the brain. Romantic love brings increased levels of dopamine, and decreased levels of serotonin.

Once you get past the first rush of romantic love and settle into attachment, women experience increased levels of the “cuddle chemical,” oxytocin, which is also released after female orgasm. Men experience attachment with increased levels of vasopressin, which causes males to feel more protective and territorial.

The parts of the brain associated with negative feelings, such as fear, depression, and anger, have suppressed neural activity when we’re “in love.” Which might explain why when I’m “in love,” I’m happy to overlook negative traits in my romantic partners. Which is one of the reasons being “in love” is a bad thing – one day, you wake up with an idiot who tells racist jokes at parties and can’t hold down a job, and you wonder what the hell you were thinking. (Answer: you weren’t.)

Probably the worst part of being “in love” is when our would-be lover doesn’t feel the same way. The agony of unrequited love is especially biting, when we’re “in love.” When our love isn’t returned, we experience separation anxiety, which sets off our stress system. Short-term stress boosts dopamine levels and decreases serotonin levels, the same chemicals which heighten romance. Rejected lovers, especially those “in love,” feel even greater anguish and obsessive love for the object of their affection.

Spurned lovers also experience feelings of abandonment and anger, which activates the amygdala, the region of the brain associated with fear, anger, and other primitive emotions (including sexual pleasure). One would hope the anger helps us distance ourselves from the relationship, and move on to find a better partner.

When I found myself unexpectedly “in love” last summer, the rational part of me hated feeling so out of control. I don’t much like how easily the chemistry in my brain can so utterly order my life, my thoughts, feelings and desires. We like to think of ourselves as better than animals, having higher brain function, and possessing free will. Knowing a little extra dopamine can turn me into a raving lunatic is not a pleasant thought.

But being “in love” is a heady, intoxicating experience while it lasts, and if your partner is happy to go along for the ride, it’s worth savoring – until the serotonin kicks in and knocks you back down to earth.

In the end, though, the deep love I feel for someone who I’ve loved for decades is the most powerful of all. While not a euphoric rush, instead it suffuses every cell of my being. It is with me always, every day, every moment. It warms my heart, it is woven into my soul. The chemical rush of being “in love” is like eating a candy bar, a delicious quick high which doesn’t last. Deep love born of time sustains me, nourishes my spirit.

His brain, her brain

I have a female friend who was born a boy. She’s a transgender woman, saving up for surgery. She’s also a lesbian – she’s sexually attracted to women. Occasionally, she has to deal with ignorance, often in the guise of homophobia. “Why have a sex change to become a woman, if you’re attracted to women?” someone will ask. She rolls her eyes and responds, “because I’m a woman.”

Gender does not determine your sexuality. What’s between your legs doesn’t necessarily dictate what you want between your legs. Some men are attracted to men – that doesn’t mean they go get a sex change to become a woman.

We are all born with male brains and female brains. There’s been a great deal of controversy over this – feminists in particular want female brains to be exactly the same and just as good as male brains, and anyone who says differently is sexist. This school of thought has been so prevalent, many doctors and scientists have been afraid to study gender differences in the brain, for fear of academic censure.

But I think it’s possible to support the viewpoint of “equal” brains, and still recognize male and female brains are different, each with it’s own unique gifts. Any discussion of what it means to be male or female, or analysis of the way men and women’s brains function – either similarly or differently – is hopelessly generalized. No two brains are alike, and traits which are considered typically “female” or “male” can of course be shared by the opposite sex. That said, some generalizations can have meaning for all.

For the longest time, science assumed because men’s brains were slightly larger than women’s, men must be smarter than women. This theory was used to keep women subjugated for a couple of centuries. But then someone discovered that while women’s brains may be smaller than men’s, they have the same number of cells, neurons, and power – simply packed into a smaller space. Suddenly the scientific community accepted what women had been saying all along – they were just as smart as men.

Similarly wrong, scientists noted sometime around the start of puberty, girls became less capable of doing math and science. It became accepted the male brain was just better wired for math, while the female brain was better wired for communication and relationship-building. Of course, there were exceptions, but overall this seemed to be true.

I read a fascinating book by Louann Brizendine, M.D., The Female Brain. She points out females are equally good at math and science; but because the way the female brain is wired – to focus on communication and connection – many girls simply lose interest in math. Her point is females are wired to be social creatures, which becomes their primary focus when puberty begins.

This resonated strongly with me. I remember junior high and high school less as places to learn, and more as social institutions. I was far more interested in making friends (or agonizing endlessly when I lost them), and having boyfriends. I worried about my social standing, about whether or not my clothes were the right clothes, my friends were the right friends. I worried about what other people thought of me, whether I fit in or not. My classes were secondary (even tertiary) concerns.

Men and women process language and emotion differently, have differing skills in estimating time, visualizing three-dimensional objects. A lot of that may indeed be due to differences in the brain, but socialization plays an important part as well.

It seems to me, whether it’s our cultural upbringing or the way our brains our wired, men and women are just different. In my life, having known thousands of men (and a lot of women), we do indeed think and function differently. And I think some of the trouble we have with one another happens when we try to make men more like women, and women more like men.

Women go to the bathroom together because we have to be able to talk privately. In ladies’ rooms, hair salons, nail salons, and similar hallowed ground, we talk to each other. We share intimate secrets with strangers, women we barely know. We laugh at our shared experiences. When a group of women starts in on the Childbirth Stories, we are bonding with one another, like soldiers telling war stories. Whenever the Childbirth Stories start – or indeed, any discussion involving the female reproductive organs – men flee. We find this amusing.

Men function through action. They can process and express emotion, but for most it’s a learned skill – and they’re never as fascinated with it as women are.

Men have a level of fascination for sex that most women don’t. The vast majority are capable of separating sex from emotion, able to see it as a physical act and nothing more, without a personal connection. Some women can do this too – but it is a learned skill. For some, this ability to separate the physical from the emotional is a skill forced on them by sexual abuse. In my opinion, it’s why so many prostitutes experienced sexual abuse as children. The abuse didn’t make them prostitutes, but it gave them one of the necessary job requirements.

The male brain is geared to hunting, to competition, on a caveman level. The female brain is geared to language, communication. It’s hard to say sometimes where the wiring of the brain ends and socialization begins, but it is true our brains are different. We are different. Rather than fighting it, I advocate embracing it.

And this is your brain on sex

As we look at male and female brains, if we start throwing sexuality into the mix, things get even more controversial and confusing.

I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to both men and women, not only on a sexual level, but on an intellectual, romantic level. Analyzing myself, I think it’s interesting I’m more often attracted to men than women, but from a sexual standpoint I’m such a slut, I don’t care one way or the other what a person has between their legs. If I like what’s between their ears, I’m happy to have a friendly, jolly romp. It’s a nice way to say “I like you.” But when it comes to relationships, forming serious attachments, I’m very particular and choosy.

In many ways, my sexuality is far more “masculine” than traditionally “feminine” social behavior.

As our culture debates marriage equality and homosexuality in general, there’s inevitably some conservatives (often deeply grounded in religion) who view homosexuality as a “lifestyle choice,” something which can be cured, or worse, something that can be taught to our defenseless children.

I believe that, just as someone doesn’t choose to be heterosexual, one doesn’t choose to be gay. You just are. And some studies of the brain seem to reinforce this belief. In 1991, neurobiologist Simon Levay caused an uproar when he discovered there was a very small but measurable difference between the brains of heterosexual and homosexual men. By looking at a tiny part of the hypothalamus, it’s possible to determine if a man is gay or straight.

Today, many more doctors and scientists are convinced homosexuality is hard-wired into the brain, we’re simply born that way. They believe sexualization of the brain occurs before birth. In the hypothalamus, there are certain areas which determine different aspects of sexualization, from homosexuality to libido.

I know I never chose to be bisexual. I simply was. Those shameful teenage dreams I had were often bisexual, involving sex with women, men, sometimes groups of both. Raised in our culture, I was horrified and embarrassed by these feelings which came naturally to me – but I found them irresistible, too. I never chose to have these feelings and desires. I was born this way, my brain wired for the ability to not only have sex with men or women, but to love either one as well.

And while it’s true more study definitely needs to be done, there aren’t a great many scientific and academic institutions in the United States leaping at the chance to explore this particular area of neurobiology. Compared to other countries throughout the world, our entrenched puritan ethic has us approaching a great deal of study with a fearful, jaundiced eye. It’s this judgement and fear which prevents us from studying all kinds of sexuality, as it relates to the brain.

The majority of studies on the brain and sexuality are being done in Europe, specifically the Netherlands. In one study by the University of Gronigen, scientists did brain scans of men and women during the moment of orgasm. Surprisingly, it turned out there are large differences between the way male and female brains experience orgasm.

Male brains focus on physical stimulation, the signals received from the genitals, and areas of the brain association with visual stimuli are activated. Emotion centers were deactivated, though less so for women – perhaps another reason why it’s easier for men to separate emotionally from the physical act of sex.

For males, touch is all-important. The pleasure and reward center of the brain is also stimulated, which releases dopamine and causes feelings of euphoria and contentment. According to scientists, there are parallels between ejaculation and a heroin rush. That tallies with my observations.

One Massachusetts General Hospital study showed just looking at pictures of attractive female faces activated the reward circuits in the male brain. Men are just plain wired for breeding, which wouldn’t surprise Darwin.

For women, arousal seemed to be centered on relaxation – which explains why it’s almost impossible for a tense woman to experience pleasure or orgasm, and might explain why women who are angry with their mates are incapable of even considering having sex.

With most women, physical stimulation played less of a role than for males. During sex, the amygdala and other parts of the brain which process fear, anxiety, memory and emotion decreased activity. During orgasm, the female brain’s emotion centers shut down almost completely, creating a state much like a trance. The only part of the female brain activated during orgasm is the cerebellum, which integrates sensory perception and motor output. Similar activation of the cerebellum was observed in men.

Other studies using Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) show that during orgasm, the pain centers in a woman’s brain shut down, and the pleasure centers are activated.

The University of Groningen study mentioned above is my favorite. Only there could they get away with such a study, not in the puritanical United States. They used Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scans on 13 women and 11 men. For the scan to work, the subject had to lie very still, keeping the head motionless. The subjects’ heads were restrained in the scanner, and they were manually stimulated to orgasm by their partners, all of whom were right-handed. They were told to practice beforehand at home, keeping the head and body as still as possible. It was easier to get accurate results with women, as the female orgasm lasts much longer in women than in men.

I think it’s tragic American college students don’t get the (literal) pleasure of these kinds of academic experiences. When I was in school, I would have happily signed up.

Reading those studies, I was struck by how orgasm is so powerful. In both men and women, once the process of orgasm begins, it’s much like a sneeze – it becomes automatic, beyond control. During that moment, we seem to be incapable of doing anything else but experiencing it.

Some years ago I began experimenting with the idea of holding a conscious thought during orgasm, choosing to direct orgasmic energy with a clear idea, maintaining intellectual control. I started with the idea of choosing to look directly into my partner’s eyes during the moment of orgasm. I found this to be incredibly powerful, because in that moment I am utterly open and exposed, on a deeply personal level. If the eyes are the window to the soul, then looking deep into my partner’s eyes during orgasm was like giving that person my soul, letting them see not only my profound ecstasy, but my true self.

I moved on to the idea of using powerful orgasmic energy as a means of sending a thought or desire deep into the heart of the universe, sex magic if you will. To build sexual energy with a purpose in mind, then to release it at the peak of power. It took a long time to be able to maintain not only my consciousness, but my will, at a time when my brain and body were so swept away. While I was able to achieve the goal, I found I was distancing myself from the orgasm. Usually, being lost in the ecstasy and euphoria was a meditative moment, in which I was completely present. Dividing myself felt as though there were two of me, both present, but both somewhere else, too. I will continue to experiment.

The ultimate love zone

When we speak of love, we often say things like “I love you with all my heart.” When we think of sex, we think about what’s between our legs, not our ears. Yet when we imagine our spiritual selves, we think only of the mind, disconnected from the sinful body.

I believe sex, love, and soul combine in both the body and brain in a kind of delicious alchemy. Making love with someone I truly care for is a magic which blossoms in my flesh, my emotions, and my spirit. Afterwards, lying entwined in bed, there is a wonderful peace, a sense all is right in the world, at least for those few precious hours.

The amygdala is a small part of the brain, considered the most primitive. It governs “lower” functions, including sexual pleasure, but also becomes very active when we dream, pray, meditate, or take drugs. Some believe it is through the amygdala we experience God. It makes sense to me that a primitive part of my brain, the first rudimentary construction of humanity, should also include sex and God.

In the end, our higher functions and intellectual thoughts guide our choices about whom we connect with. And while neurochemicals exert some degree of control – sometimes very powerfully – our rational minds make the final decisions.

But I can’t forget the need to connect, with each other, with the divine, is buried in the amygdala – raw and primitive and beautiful, as necessary as breathing.

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