The Art of Foreplay
by Beverly Fisher, Slut at Large and Woman of Easy Virtue

My whole opinion of foreplay has changed over the years. When I was 15, foreplay was “making out” and that was all that you did. Sex wasn’t allowed. So you just “made out” for hours, and it was absolutely delicious. From first base to third base (and even to third and a half base), I loved it all. I loved kissing for so long I got a whisker burn. I loved the furtive hand sneaking up my blouse, caressing the side of my breast with exquisite gentleness. I loved the breathtaking moment when a warm hand would slide into my jeans, an inquisitive finger gently exploring. I loved taking my lover in my mouth, feeling that hot, hard length of him sliding wet against my tongue.

Then, somewhere along the line, sex entered into it, and “making out” changed. It became, rather than an act unto itself, a prelude to something else. It was the warm-up act for the big show. And while that’s all well and good, I think something was lost, too. After a while, with some lovers, foreplay became a cursory act, something you just did in order to prepare for sex, making sure I was properly lubricated and he was completely hard. It was a brief thing, done for the sake of form, but the sex was the goal – and the goal of sex was orgasm. When everybody had a nice orgasm, we were done. Thanks babe, that was great. Roll over. Go to sleep.

But foreplay itself can be an art, and as stimulating, if not more so, than actual intercourse. We can go back to the days of “making out” if we want to. I want to. I want to feel that incredible sexual tension, so intense, so powerful, that it drove all other thoughts from my mind. I wasn’t worried about work, or school, or anything else at that moment. I was caught up in a wave of sexual frenzy that bordered on the ecstatic.

Pre-foreplay

But grown-up foreplay is different than those passionate teenage moments in the backseat of the car. Grown-ups have bigger problems, bigger stresses, all of which have to be eradicated in order to truly enjoy foreplay and sex. The first part of truly good foreplay, then, takes place before you ever touch your partner. It’s about letting go of all the gunk in your life, mentally and emotionally preparing yourself for sex. If you’ve had a long day at work, you need to unwind and relax, prepare for the sensual encounter to come. One way to let go of those stresses is to meditate for a while, and imagine your partner, focusing on them, on what would please them. Speak to one another in gentle, loving tones.

I think too often in our relationships we’re afraid to experiment, to try new things. And yet it’s these little experiments that keep a relationship fresh and alive. Too many people I talk to speak of how their sexual relationships have become mechanical, always doing exactly the same thing, frequently on the same night of the week. Our sex lives become stale, dull, routine. We need to juice it up a bit, liven things up.

Foreplay can begin before you ever get home. Go shopping together at an adult store, and buy a new toy to try. It’s truly fun to stand at the displays, gawking at all the outrageous devices available, with your partner standing there next to you – imagining what it would be like to use each one!

If that’s a little racy for some, try going out to dinner or a concert, and make a serious attempt to flirt with one another throughout the evening. Dress up for the occasion. Exchange glances. Whisper naughty things. Caress furtively under the table. Hell, flash each other in the elevator. Have phone sex while you’re at work. Undress one another when you get home, or perform a striptease.

Bathing is another wonderful prelude to sex, and, if you bathe with your partner, can be a form of foreplay itself. You’ve got to be very comfortable with your partner and your body to do this, however. I like to shower or bathe together by candlelight, perhaps burn a little incense, play some soft music. The sensual feel of soap sliding over the skin, hot water caressing your body, can be incredible. Take time to explore your body, and your partner’s, with your slippery wet hands. Feel the breasts and nipples, the bottom, the curve of the back. It’s important to bathe, either alone or together, not only for the sensual sensations created by the warm water, but also for purely practical reasons. It’s no fun to make love with someone who doesn’t smell nice. Make sure you soap everywhere, even down to your toes – who knows, someone might want to suck on them later on!

Just as a romantic atmosphere is important even in the bathroom, it’s doubly important in the bedroom. Light some candles, put on some unobtrusive, gentle music. Tidy up the dirty clothes and clutter. Put fresh, clean sheets on the bed. Turn the ringer off on the phone. Perhaps prepare some light refreshments – a bottle of champagne, some fresh fruit. Prepare your space, like your body, for the intensely pleasurable experience to follow.

Some of these things may seem obvious, or even old hat to some. But there are so many of us that don’t even think about what happens before sex, or how mood and atmosphere has such a powerful effect. Too often we just go to bed, turn out the lights, and fool around in the dark, go to sleep. End of story. But why can’t we create an atmosphere that says “this moment is special. YOU are special”? When we take the time to create a little specialness in our lives, it changes the way something ordinary feels. When I write with my sterling silver pen, it makes jotting down a journal entry somehow more special, less routine. Dress up to go shopping, instead of wearing sweats. Drive home via a different route. Wear sexy underwear, even if no one is going to see it. You know it’s there... and it feels wonderful. I highly recommend pure silk underwear, especially to men.

The magic of the kiss

The most amazing lovemaking begins with something simple and yet completely magical: the kiss. Kissing can be the most intense, satisfying experience – and yet we forget it so often. Especially people in long-term relationships, kisses become perfunctory, a brief smack, nothing more.

But I believe kissing is even more intimate than sex itself. In that moment, we are unable to speak, to communicate. We can’t give voice to any thought. Our sole means of communication is that kiss, and with it we can communicate hesitancy, shyness, intense desire, overwhelming lust, passion. A kiss can be languid and slow, leisurely. A kiss can be intense and devouring, shutting out everything else. We simply let go and feel.

My favorite method of kissing is what I call Focused Kissing, and I’ve seen other writers refer to it as Conscious Kissing. The idea is that you literally focus on nothing else but the sensations of the kiss, the feel of your partner’s lips, tongue, teeth, their breath intermingling with yours. Think of nothing else, not the worries of the day, not impending intercourse, not where you’d like your partner to touch you next. Just focus on that kiss. Drive all other thoughts from your mind. You’d be amazed how many other thoughts try to intrude – is my breath okay? Am I doing this right? Just let the thoughts flow past you, and return your attention to the kiss. You’ll be amazed at how passionate and intense that kiss becomes. Try focused kissing for a solid block of time, 15 or 30 minutes. Your hands can roam, but no touching the genitals, not yet. Just focus on that kiss. Watch how it drives you into a frenzy.

Pay attention to the way your partner kisses. Do they move their tongue gently, slowly? Slow down your own tongue, gentle your own movements, to match your partner. Try to match their mood, their style, their tempo. If they change the pace, you change yours. Let them lead the kiss. Then take turns.

The tongue contains more nerves and muscles than almost any other part of your body. Take your time and explore your partner’s tongue, and enjoy the sensations in your own. Try sucking your partner’s tongue. Suck on their lower lip, nibble it gently.

Don’t forget that there are other ways and places to kiss besides the mouth. Try what my mother always called “Butterfly Kisses.” Place your eye very close to your partner’s cheek, eyelid, lip. Flutter your eyelashes so that they brush against your partner’s flesh. These tickly little kisses feel just delightful, and can be done all over the body.

I like kissing all over the whole body, from the top of the head to the tips of the toes. The neck is especially sensitive. Try kissing the curve where the neck meets the shoulder, or the nape of the neck, or just under the jaw. Kiss the soles of the feet. Try french kisses on the erogenous zone on the back of the knee, or the inner thigh. Kiss him on his belly, but don’t touch the penis just yet. Suck on fingers, toes. Tease. Tantalize. Beg for more.

Human touch

Taking turns giving each other a leisurely, sensual massage is highly pleasurable. It’s easy to rush this, as we become excited, so try using an kitchen timer and massage one another for an agreed-upon time, like 20 minutes, or longer. A rushed massage just doesn’t feel as nice, and you’ve got to give your partner time to really relax into the massage.

You don’t have to be a professional masseuse to give a really nice massage. The trick is to use some nice warm oil (or warm it with your hands) and follow the curves of the muscles. Never put direct pressure on the spine; massage on either side of it. Try using scented oils and find one that you both like. Massage from the nape of the neck to the tips of the toes, paying special attention to the buttocks and feet. Women love foot massages. It’s a proven fact. I have one friend who insists that if you massage a woman’s feet every day, she’ll follow you forever. He may be right.

A woman can massage a man by using her oil-covered breasts, or slick vulva to give him “kisses” all over his body with her lower lips.

Caressing is so important. I believe that people need touch, need physical contact, or they wither emotionally. Caress using just the tips of your fingers, drawing slow circles all over your partner’s body. Try using various objects to caress your lover: a silk scarf, feathers, fur gloves, a chamois cloth, anything around the house you can think of that would feel nice. Brush your fingertips lightly over those sensitive spots behind the knees, the inner thigh, the soles of the feet (if you’re not too ticklish!). Again, try doing all of this without touching the genitals – not yet. Savor the experience, draw it out.

Spice it up

Sameness, boredom, is the death of sex. I like to experience foreplay/sex in new and exciting locations. Get a fancy hotel room for one night and meet in the lobby. Pretend to be strangers, and “pick up” your partner. Do it at the office. On top of the copying machine. Do it on top of the washing machine at home – set it on hot water, spin cycle. Play in front of a mirror, or on the stairs. Get every pillow in the house and make a giant pillow pile on the living room floor. Go camping in the living room: use chairs and blankets to make a tent, like when you were a kid. Play in your tent.

Play on the roof of the house (be careful!), make out in the back seat of the car. It’s hard to actually have sex in the car, because it’s awkward and the gear shift gets in the way, but it’s a great place for foreplay. Steam up the windows! Try having sex in a sleeping bag in the backyard, under the stars. Go up to the mountains, down to the beach. Fool around in a hot tub, or swimming pool (water isn’t really a good lubricant, but the buoyancy factor makes for some great positions that are quite impossible on dry land). Don’t forget the kitchen, and fun with food. More on food shortly.

Play naughty games, like strip poker or nude Twister. I personally like strip cribbage, but it’s tricky.

Another way to spice up lovemaking is role playing. Personally, I have trouble keeping a straight face when role playing, but lots of couples just love it. Classic role-playing games include boss/employee (especially fun if played at the office); sultan/harem (can you be a one-woman harem?); pirates; milkman/lady of the house; pizza delivery guy (Oh, I don’t have enough to pay for that pizza! What shall I do?); picking up a stranger in a bar; swapping clothes and roles; doctor/patient; teacher/student... the list goes on and on, limited only by your imagination.

Another form of roleplay is light (and I mean light) fetish or BDSM fantasy play. I’m not talking about serious whips and chains here. I mean something far more romantic and sensuous, just to get the juices flowing. Try tying your partner to the bed using silk scarves, or licorice whips. Blindfold your partner. Blindfolding is especially sensuous because when we remove one of the senses, the others truly come alive. Touch becomes exquisite torture, taste intensifies. Every naughty word your partner whispers in your ear becomes delicious torment. Lick your partner all over, teasing, sucking, dragging out the moment. Experiment with light spankings, using just your hand, or perhaps one of the licorice whips. Have a “safe word” your partner can use to end the play, if things get too intense. I find one of the best safe words is your own name. Don’t use “stop,” because it’s fun to say “stop stop” and not mean it.

One of the fun things about light fetish play is that you get to experiment with social roles. Men are traditionally strong and in control, women weak and subservient. Explore that relationship. Intensify those roles. Or switch, and let the woman be in control and the man be submissive. For many men in high-pressure jobs, with high-stress lives, they love relinquishing control to someone else for a little while. It’s very erotic, and lots of fun. You don’t have to be a stern master or mistress... laugh and have fun with it. Play. Explore.

Touch me

One of my personal favorite foreplay techniques is mutual masturbation. This one is hard for some people, because you really have to trust and feel comfortable with your partner to really let go. Masturbation is an intensely personal, private experience, and something we’ve all got some degree of shame about. Most of us were taught when we were very small that masturbation is dirty and bad, and causes all sorts of horrendous maladies from blindness to hairy palms. Of course, none of that is true. Masturbation is healthy and normal, and very erotic. When shared between two people, it can be a truly intense, intimate, and loving experience.

Watching your partner masturbate is incredibly erotic, and educational too. By watching them, you can learn how they like to be touched, caressed, at what speed and tempo, etc. File that information away for future reference. I prefer that my partner masturbate while he or she watches me – there’s something about knowing that I’m arousing them, knowing that watching me makes them want to touch themselves, that just drives me wild. Of course, I’m a bit of an exhibitionist this way. Mutual masturbation is one of my all-time favorite things. The visuals are just too delicious.

Then you can try masturbating each other, using your newfound knowledge. Take turns having your partner stroke you, while you lie back and simply feel the pleasure. Be sure to give verbal suggestions, slower, faster, lighter, harder... it all feels good.

Back to our teenage days, try humping. Kissing passionately while rubbing your naked body against your partner feels so good. Add a little oil and dry humping becomes wet humping... and feels even better. Try dribbling a little oil between her breasts, straddle her chest, and slide the penis up and down between the breasts. She should press her breasts with her hands on either side, creating a sandwich for the penis. For the uninitiated, this is called “Russian.” Another favorite is “Italian,” whereby you dribble a little oil between the buttocks, and he lies on top of her back and slides the penis back and forth between her cheeks. Humping is heavenly.

This and that

There’s a million fun things to try, with just a little imagination and some time. Get an egg timer (usually a three-minute timer) and kiss and lick all over your partner’s body until the timer runs out. Then switch roles. Keep going in three-minute intervals until you can’t stand it.

Get a string of pearls or beads. Run them all over your partner’s body. Trail the pearls across the perineum and clitoris. Wad them up in your hand and rub them all over, especially on the breasts. Women can take the pearls and wind them around the penis, then gently stroke up and down. Or, if he likes anal stimulation, pop the pearls one at a time into the anus, then as he reaches orgasm, slowly pull them out one at a time.

Make your own naughty movie. You don’t have to leave an incriminating record behind, though. Just hook the camera up directly to the TV, without any film. Or, if using a digital camera, just delete afterward. Make love in front of the television set and watch yourselves play. Very erotic!

Keep a box in the nightstand with a small notebook. Have each person write down fantasies they’d like fulfilled on separate slips of paper, then put them in the box. Each night, draw out a new slip of paper and do what’s written on it. Or have a contest, via strip poker, or some other game, whereby the winner gets his or her fantasy fulfilled.

Oral fixation

Oral sex is one of the most common forms of foreplay, but often we don’t really take our time and explore. Using your mouth to caress your partner’s body, from head to toe, is incredibly erotic. Lick the genitals very lightly at first, teasing. Then increase pressure and tempo. Everyone likes to be licked or sucked in a different way, so ask your partner what they prefer. When making love to a woman, it’s best to start slowly and gently, licking lightly at first, all around the labia and clitoris. I tell people to imagine you’re writing your name in a bowl of whipped cream. Take it slowly, lapping at the clitoris with gentle flicking motions of the tongue. Some women like a finger inside them during oral sex – I do – but others prefer straight clitoral stimulation. Ask the woman what she likes. Sometimes, it’s easier for women to answer simple yes or no questions, “do you like this?” or “harder, or softer?” It’s sometimes hard for women to talk during foreplay and sex. Listen for her breathing, little sighs and moans, that will tell you you’re on the right track.

With men, I like to lap my tongue up the length of the shaft, taking time to lick the balls and the perineum too. Sucking should vary in intensity. Some men like it hard, some prefer a soft gliding motion. Again, it’s best to ask. Deep throating is nice if you can manage it, it feels so good for the man, but is sometimes difficult for the woman. One way to make it easier is for the woman to lie on her back with her head just over the edge of the bed. The man stands on the floor, straddling her face, and she sucks him in this way. With her head thrown back over the edge of the bed, her throat is open and it makes deep throating easier. Guys, don’t thrust! Let her control the pace and tempo. Some women are very uncomfortable with fellatio because they feel like they’re choking. So it’s important to go slow and easy. Don’t expect her to swallow your semen if she doesn’t want to. Instead, pull out at the right moment and come all over her breasts, rubbing the semen in. It’s great for the skin!

Both fellatio and cunnilingus can be enhanced with a few choice items from the kitchen. I have a favorite birthday treat for friends who like chocolate – it’s better than cake! I take a Hershey’s Kiss or Hug, unwrap it (obviously) and insert it into the vagina. The heat of my body melts the chocolate, and my friend licks it out! With this one you have to use lots of towels, because the chocolate gets everywhere. It’s also fun to have a male friend insert his penis into my chocolatey vagina, then pull out and I get to lick it and suck it off.

More fun with food: for a minty tingle, try sucking on an Altoid or menthol cough drop. Then lick and/or suck your partner. It feels delicious. Or, for the ladies, try taking a mouthful of champagne and then quickly pop your partner’s penis into your mouth. Swish the champagne around to make bubbles. It’s a tingly delight.

Try having a cup of hot coffee and a glass of ice water on the nightstand. First take a mouthful of the hot coffee, and hold it in your mouth as long as possible until you’ve really heated up your tongue and mouth. Then suck your partner’s breasts or penis. Try it with the ice water next. The different sensations of cold and hot really create a stunningly sensual contrast. By the same token, try having a dish of ice cream by the bed. Take the ice cream in your mouth and lick and suck your partner while it melts. Again, towels are handy.

While sucking your partner, male or female, start humming. The vibration feels very nice indeed.

Try analingus. You’ve got to be squeaky clean for this one. There are a zillion (that’s an exact number, really) nerve endings around and just inside the entrance to the anus. Try licking your partner’s perineum and anus, perhaps even gently inserting your tongue. Heavenly! Lots of men and women also enjoy having fingers or sex toys placed inside their rectum. For men in particular, this feels very good, as the male g-spot, or prostate, is inside. Try stroking his prostate and sucking him at the same time, and watch the explosive results. Be sure to use lots and lots of lubricant and take it very slow. The tissues of the anus and rectum are very delicate.

The classic “69" position can be very exciting, but it has its problems. I for one find it hard to concentrate on giving my lover a good blow job, when I’m being licked at the same time. Additionally, I feel I have less control. Plus you get a stiff neck. One way to solve the stiff neck problem is to place pillows under your partner’s head and bottom. If you have long hair, put it in a ponytail to keep it out of the way. I have to say 69 is one of my least favorite foreplay activities, just because when I’m receiving cunnilingus, I want to concentrate and focus on my pleasure. Conversely, when I’m performing fellatio I like to focus utterly on my partner. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes, it’s up to you to discover yours.

Using a vibrator is a lot of fun with a friend. Try inserting the vibrator into the vagina while licking the clitoris. Or use the vibrator as a prostate stimulator for him.

More food fun: Take a peach and core it, removing the pit entirely. Slide the peach onto the penis. Squeeze the peach lightly, licking up all the juices as they drip onto the testicles. Nibble the peach, performing fellatio as you expose more and more of the penis. Yummy. I’ve read about using honey as a lubricant for sex, and am dying to try it. It sounds like good sticky fun. I’m sure towels will be a must, and a shower afterward. But what a tasty treat!

The real goal

The key to enjoying foreplay (and sex, too!) is listening to your partner. Asking questions, listening to their breathing, their moans, their sighs. Listen too to their body language. People wriggle around during sex, arching their backs, scooching closer or away from you, tightening their muscles, clenching their hands. All of these things tell us whether we’re doing a good job or not, whether we’re pleasing our partner or not.

You don’t have to take foreplay all the way to orgasm, though for women this might actually be preferable, as it is difficult for women to achieve orgasm during sex. The majority of women need some kind of clitoral stimulation in order to come. With men, it might be better to hold off on ejaculation as long as possible, as most men need quite a bit of time to “recharge their batteries” before they are able to perform again.

During orgasm, try looking your partner deep in the eyes as you come. There is an almost magical, deeply personal connection when you do this. It is powerfully intimate, to share that moment with your partner.

I believe that, with foreplay, it’s most important just to go slow. There’s no need to rush. I want to return to “making out” for the sheer joy that’s in it. We can’t look at intercourse and orgasm as the “goal.” The real goal is giving one another pleasure. Helping someone we care about feel good is a process, a journey, an experience. Take your time and enjoy it.

 

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