The Divine Embrace:
Exploring Tantric Sex and Sacred Sexuality
by Beverly Fisher, Slut at Large and Woman of Easy Virtue

What is Tantra? What do people mean by “Sacred Sex?” Both of these terms refer to sensual practices that incorporate not only the body, but the mind and spirit, the whole Self. I personally practice what some call “Neo-Tantra,” sensual techniques that incorporate modern Pagan and Wiccan belief structures, Zen, and ancient Tantric principles. These concepts enhance and expand our ability to give and receive physical pleasure and intimacy, while opening our beings up to a greater spiritual understanding and awareness.

More than just sex

When most people hear the word “Tantra,” they think of sex. Indeed, this rant is a discussion of Tantric sex. But I think it’s important to point out that Tantra is about far more than just sex. Tantra is a spiritual philosophy that takes the whole person into account, including worldly desires and pleasures. It is a very holistic way of life, a practical approach to enlightenment. Some Tantric practitioners are even somewhat annoyed at the sexual emphasis the word “Tantra” engenders. There is so much more to Tantra than sex.

Trying to find the meaning of the word “Tantra,” I found several different answers. All agree that it comes from the ancient Sanskrit or Hindi language, though the interpretation of the word varies. One source says that it means “expansion through awareness.” Another source cited the meaning as “loom.” Similarly, others say Tantra means “fabric” or “tapestry,” and another says it means “woven together.” The idea is that Tantra is woven into the fabric of our lives. Yet another source says that “Tantra” is derived from a combination of two words, “tattva” and “mantra.” Tattva means the science of cosmic principles, while mantra refers to the science of mystic sound and vibrations.

Whatever the literal meaning, “Tantra” refers to a philosophy that is intrinsically a part of everyday life, from the base to the divine and everything in between. I was drawn to Tantra some years ago, because of this philosophy that integrates all parts of the self. Traditional Western thought has always separated the mind the spirit from the body. The body and our sexual selves are seen as “the flesh” – inherently weak and ultimately sinful. This concept of “sin” must be explored, embraced, and then released from our consciousness, if we are to be whole. Eastern philosophy states that all aspects of the self – body, mind, and spirit – must be integrated, made whole, in order to have a true relationship with the Divine. This idea, that there are no “mistakes,” that we are not put in these fleshy bodies merely as a “test” of our will, is what initially drew me to begin my study of Tantra and sacred sexuality. In the Tantric and Pagan world view, all life and all aspects of the world and self – including sexuality – are celebrated and holy.

Personally, I use the modern Pagan tradition of the ritual, which integrates seamlessly with Tantric philosophy. I seek to explore the Native American pantheistic viewpoint, that sees the energy of the Universe and life flowing through all things.

Exploring sacred sexuality

These sacred sensual practices are easily understood, and can be integrated into your sexual awareness, regardless of your personal spiritual beliefs. It is a philosophy, not a religion. Even if you can’t get behind the spiritual aspects of Tantra, the practical aspects can certainly enhance anyone’s love life.

The idea is to control and channel sexual energy, using all five of the physical senses and embracing our sensual selves and the Universe.

The Tantric traditions of Hinduism and Tibetan Buddhism view sexual energy as the source of life, and a powerful source of energy that we can control. Harnessing and channeling that energy, we can extend ecstasy for prolonged periods. The Eastern cultures studied and developed lovemaking techniques, and viewed ecstasy as an art and a means of communing with the Universe. Sacred sexuality seeks to extend the magical, loving connection between partners, with the self, and with the Divine. We can begin to heal old wounds, and discover our true selves.

Sacred sexuality is about exploring love – the deepest, most powerful energy in the Universe. Love builds, love gives, love creates, love begins, love touches, love heals. I believe that this love is possible with everyone you meet, not just your partner. Love is a connection you make with all of your fellow human beings, if you truly want to.

Basically, Tantra is a path of acceptance, allowing for the base and profane, and the holy and pure. All experiences are seen as an opportunity for learning. There is no “good” and “bad,” only more learning, more growth.

Tantric sex

Tantra has roots going back 20,000 years, to the Dravidian people in India’s Indus Valley. They believed that the world was created by the sexual union of the god Shiva and the goddess Shakti. Male and female are seen as equals in Tantra. We all have male and female energy, the yin and the yang. When engaging in Tantric sex, the idea is to access the Divine within, to bring forth our Shiva and Shakti energy. Literally, we carry the god and goddess inside us, so every sexual union is considered sacred.

According to Tantra, we must approach our partner with reverence, mindful that this loving act is a holy thing. Lovemaking becomes a discovery of the body, mind and soul, and a joyful means of exploring the nature of existence. The positive sexual energy created can be a healing force that we can use in our day to day lives. The idea is to channel this energy, but to release it, to let it go. Clinging to anything, even energy, is unnecessary in the face of an infinite Universe.

In sacred sex, we extend our lovemaking, extending the duration of the act itself, the ecstasy, and even the afterglow. This happens through the male partner learning ejaculatory control and through redirecting sexual energy. Tantric sex can help heal old wounds, from past relationships or even childhood abuse, and in their place create healthy and pleasurable sexual experiences. It can improve other areas of your life as well, as you come to embrace the divine in all things. We’re told “you reap what you sow,” and it is true that as you approach the world with a more loving and positive attitude, more love is returned to you.

In Tantric sex, we experience divinity within ourselves. We seek to activate the male and female, god and goddess, energy that is in all things. In Tantra, we combine the God Shiva’s male bliss energy with the Goddess Shakti’s wise female energy. We all carry male and female energy within us. Women have what are considered traditionally “masculine” characteristics, and men have typically “feminine” traits. Embrace these traits within yourself, and acknowledge them in your partner. The idea is to create balance in all things, male and female, base and sacred. We are all the yin (female) and the yang (male).

Tantric often use the word “Namaste” as a greeting or farewell. It means “I honor the divinity within you.”

Take a deep breath

The key to sacred sex is breathing. All of the sacred sex rituals that I employ begin with breathing techniques. I have even heard of a technique involving meditative breathing that leads to orgasm – the combination of thought and breath alone is enough to achieve climax, if done properly.

Breathing opens the body and infuses the cells with oxygen. It can free blocked emotions and sensuality. Good breathing opens the door to longer lasting sex, more intense orgasms, and heightened spiritual awareness.

The first step is to sit comfortably in a chair or crosslegged on a pillow on the floor. Sit up straight, aligning the spine. Close your eyes and just become aware of your breath. Notice where in your body your breath begins; is it in your chest, your stomach? Take a deep breath, in through the nose, exhaling through the mouth. Breathe slowly and deeply. Feel your body start to slow down.

The idea is to continue to breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth, focusing your thoughts on your breath alone. Other thoughts will come crowding into your mind, as your mind isn’t used to having to shut up and focus on just one thing. There’s a Zen concept that works wonderfully for this. Imagine that you’re a rock in a stream. Your thoughts are the water, flowing around you and past you. Just watch the thoughts go by, and return to your focus on your breathing. If one thought is particularly nagging, give it a name. Naming something has power. So if I’m sitting there, trying to meditate, and I can’t stop thinking about my mother, then I silently say to myself “mom” and let the thought flow past me. And again I return to my breathing.

This is not an easy meditation to do. Don’t try to do it for more than two minutes at a time, to start. You can expand a minute at a time up to ten minutes as you become more comfortable with the practice. This meditation stills the mind and calms you, opening you up for the sexual experience to come.

Another good breathing meditation for engendering sexual energy is to take a deep breath, noticing where your breathing is coming from. Is it the chest, or lower? Place your hand on your body at that place. Now lower your hand to your belly and try to imagine breathing from there. Take another deep breath, filling your body with air as low as possible. Now lower your hand further, down to your genitals. Pull in another deep breath, trying to literally breathe from your sex.

With both of these meditations, with practice, you can start to visualize colors. Imagine that the air you inhale is a clear crystal blue, soothing and calming. Imagine that the air you exhale is red, strong and forceful.

The energy centers

In Tantra, we speak of seven energy centers, called Chakras, that line up through the center of our bodies, beginning at the bottom of the pelvis and ending at the top of the head. Each of the seven chakras has a color and sound associated with it, as well as emotional and physical strengths and weaknesses.

Now here’s the point where some people start having a problem with Tantra. They point out that these so-called energy centers don’t exist – they can’t be shown on an X-ray or MRI for example. They are not physical, concrete. You can’t touch a chakra. For these people I recommend meditating on the idea of the chakra, the concept behind each individual chakra. In other words, we can learn something about ourselves from any source, even one that seems farfetched. For example, the sex chakra is based in your genitals. Do the breathing meditation and picture the color orange in that area of your body. Meditate on your sexual self. Do you feel sexy and desirable, or inhibited and tense? Focus on your sexual self, who you are when you’re feeling sexual. Anyone can learn something from this kind of meditation, without actually ascribing to the concept that such energy centers exist.

Personally, I believe that they do exist, in that your mind creates your reality. Believe and it is so.

The chakras are as follows:

Root chakra. Located in your perineum, that small space between your genitals and your anus. The color for this chakra is red; the mantra (or sound) is Lam, and the mental or emotional issue it addresses is security. People with an open root chakra will feel secure and confident, grounded. People with a closed root chakra may feel insecure, needy, helpless, or frustrated, and may also be having difficulties with elimination of wastes. Also called the base chakra.

Sacral chakra. Located just above and behind the genitals. The color for this chakra is orange; the mantra is Vam, and the mental or emotional issue it addresses is energy, sexual and otherwise. People with an open sacral chakra will feel very alive, full of energy, very sexy and sensual. People with a closed sacral chakra may feel inhibited, tense, undesirable, and have low energy. They may also have difficulties with reproductive organs. Also called the sex chakra.

Solar Plexus chakra. Located in your belly, just behind your navel. The color for this chakra is yellow; the mantra is Ram, and the mental or emotional issues it addresses is power. People with an open solar plexus chakra will feel very strong and capable, confident, have strong will power and a sense of worthiness. People with a closed solar plexus chakra may feel weak and powerless, have difficulty overcoming personal adversity, and may have trouble with digestive issues.

Heart chakra. Located to the right of the physical heart, in the center of your chest. The color for this chakra is green; the mantra is Yam, and the mental or emotional issues it addresses is love and compassion. People with an open heart chakra will feel great love and compassion, for themselves and others. People with a closed heart chakra will feel unloved and alone, and have difficulty loving and showing compassion for others. They may also have respiration difficulties.

Throat chakra. Located in the throat. The color for this chakra is blue; it’s mantra is Ham, and the emotional or mental issues it addresses is expression and spiritual drive. People with an open throat chakra will feel very expressive and honest, open to new ideas, focused on trying to find a spiritual component in their lives. People with a closed throat chakra may feel misunderstood, dishonest with themselves and others, have trouble speaking, and closed to spiritual progress.

Third Eye chakra. Located between the eyebrows. The color for this chakra is purple; it’s mantra is Ooh, and the mental or emotional issues it addresses is vision and intellect. People with an open third eye chakra feel intuitive, inspired, creative, and enjoy mental challenges. People with a closed third eye chakra may feel unclear, confused, unable to think properly, forgetful, and suffer from a lack of insight.

Crown chakra. Located at the crown or top of the head. The color for this chakra is violet or white; it’s mantra is Om, and the emotional or mental issues it addresses is enlightenment, or supreme light. People with an open crown chakra feel connected to everyone and everything, ecstatic, enlightened, open to the Universe and others. People with a closed crown chakra may feel disconnected from others and the Universe, spiritually dead.

So the next breathing technique is picturing your breath flowing through these chakras, beginning at the root chakra, flowing upward through the other chakras, and out through the crown chakra. Once we get breathing going well on an individual level, it’s time to start breathing with our sexual partner.

Breathing together

Breathing together prepares you for the ecstatic sexual experience to come. As you breathe together, you become in tune with your partner, and both of you still your minds so that the focus is not on the worries of the outside world, but on that magic sensual moment.

There are several breathing exercises to perform with a partner. The one I like best is where the breath is synchronized, breathing in and out at the same time. Again, sit comfortably across from one another, and begin breathing slowly and deeply in through the nose and out through the mouth. It may help to touch your partner’s belly, to feel the inhale and the exhale, in order to match her breathing with yours. Soon, you can close your eyes and focus on breathing upward through the chakras.

In the reciprocal breath, you lie facing one another with your noses almost touching, and do the opposite of the synchronized breathing. As you inhale, your partner exhales, and so on. Imagine that you are exchanging air and energy, that you are helping one another to breathe.

The Golden Circle breath involves sitting very close to one another, (even on top of each other!) and pressing your palms together. As you inhale, imagine the energy rising up from the second chakra (the Sacral or sex chakra), traveling through your body and the other chakras to the top of your head, then moving back down to your genitals and the base of your spine. Imagine this breath flowing out of you and into your partner, and your partner’s breath flowing into you as well. Together you complete a circle of energy and air.

Try breathing in the yab yum position, with the man sitting with the woman in his lap, facing one another, legs wrapped around one another’s backs. Look deeply into each other’s eyes, and try synchronized breathing. You can also place your right hand on your lover’s heart, and experience the loving energy that results. Gazing into one another’s eyes can be difficult at first. We may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, but simply acknowledge those feelings and let them go. The idea is to look past the eyes into the soul. This focuses your attention on the present moment, avoiding distractions, and leading to a deeper connection with your partner.

Try communicating in this position, talking about what you want or need from the experience, asking permission to touch, to explore, even to have intercourse. Thank each other, really feeling the joy that comes with open gratitude.

Your temple

Setting the stage for loveplay is important. The first part of preparing yourself for ecstatic sex involves caring for yourself, your body. Your body is indeed a temple, and in Tantric love it is your instrument of connection with your partner and the divine. Care for it by eating healthy foods, light meals high in protein and vitamins, and lots of fruit and vegetables. Care for yourself with exercise. Tantrics use various forms of yoga, but any type of good aerobic exercise will do.

Also, both men and women can benefit from pelvic floor exercises, contracting the pubococcygeal (PC) muscles. The PC muscles are the same muscles you use to hold urine back. Clench the muscles, then release them, as though you’re trying to release urine. Try sitting or standing with your spine straight, inhale through the nose and hold the breath, then contracting the PC muscles as many times as possible, finally exhaling as you release the muscles. When men practice PC muscle control, they begin to learn a method for controlling ejaculation.

Try tightening and holding different muscle groups throughout the body, but in particular the stomach, chest, and throat. Again, focusing on tightening different muscle groups can prevent ejaculation.

For building sexual energy, try pelvic thrusts. Exhale through the mouth as you thrust forward, inhale through the nose as you push backward. This exercise is especially helpful if you are tired from a long day at work, or want to have sex but feel too tired.

A hot date

Tantric sex takes time. Make a date with your partner and write it in your calendar. Plan for uninterrupted time – park the kids with a sitter, or put a do not disturb sign on the door. Unplug the phone, turn off the cel. This is your special time alone.

Prepare your space. Clean up, make your bedroom a palace. Light candles, burn incense. Use colored light bulbs, or drape the lamps with scarves (being careful to leave the lamp open at the top). Put on some soft music, something that makes you feel sexy. There are some wonderful Tantra CDs out there. Have food on hand, little nibbles of cheese and fresh fruit, chocolate, champagne. You are creating a love temple, preparing for the ultimate ritual to come.

Dress up for your date. Part of the fun of clothes is taking them off! Wear things that make you feel sensual, desirable. You can simply dress up in your best evening wear, or you can get creative with lingerie, scarves, flowing fabrics.

The idea here is to remind yourself, through your attire and the ambiance, that this evening is special. That your partner is special. You are dressing for him/her. You are creating a romantic space for that special person. And for yourself, too!

Getting wet

Another part of preparing for your special date is bathing, getting squeaky clean for your lover. But why do it alone? One Tantric sensual ritual involves bathing together. This cleansing ritual is very intimate and romantic.

Start by preparing the bathroom much in the way you’ve prepared the bedroom – light candles, burn incense, dim the lights. Run a nice hot bath. You can even float rose petals in the water. In this ritual, you breathe together, trying one of the breathing techniques above. After a few minutes, begin to soap your partner, all movements slow and sensual. Feel the slick sensations of the soap on skin. You can even massage your partner, moving in slow, languid circles. Imagine that you are cleansing one another of worry and stress, releasing tension and the issues of the outside world. In this moment, there is just the two of you, and the warm caress of the water.

Have big fluffy towels laid out, and robes. Dry one another off, rubbing gently until your partner’s skin has a warm glow.

Experiencing ecstasy

Start your experience, as always, by breathing. Begin in the yab yum position, looking into one another’s eyes, breathing together using one of the exercises above. Breathe together until it feels right to move on to touching and exploring. Use all five of your senses, tasting and sniffing exploring different parts of your partner’s body, from the ears to the toes. Talk to one another, asking questions (“may I touch you here?”) releasing pleasurable sounds – moans, whispers, words.

Kissing is incredibly important. Try focused kissing, where you simply explore your lover’s mouth and tongue, focusing on nothing but the kiss itself. As in meditation, if your mind drifts, simply bring it back to the moment, to the kiss. In Tantra, exchanging saliva through the act of kissing is said to harmonize and balance male and female energies.

Really study your partner’s genitalia. I love to give my partners a tour of my vulva, spreading my lips open that they may better see my body. In Tantra, the vagina is called the “yoni,” and the penis the “lingam.” Both are considered sacred. Explore the penis, or lingam, in much the same way. Examine and study it, stroke it, taste it, admire it. A subtle exchange of energies happens when you use your mouth to stimulate your partner’s sex. Mutual oral sex is said to balance masculine and feminine energies. Both male ejaculate and female secretions are thought to be a source of spiritual nourishment.

Don’t rush anything. There is no hurry, you have all the time in the world. Every action should be simply what feels right, done slowly and mindfully. You are making love to a goddess/god. You are a goddess/god. Every movement is ritual, every sigh a mantra. Explore your partner’s body slowly, using your fingers and mouth. The whole body is an erogenous zone, when treated as such.

A huge part of sacred sex is the idea that the man should withhold ejaculating as long as possible, allowing time to pleasure the woman repeatedly. Men lose energy upon ejaculation, losing their erection and also becoming sleepy. Women, on the other hand, gain energy from orgasm.

Controlling ejaculation can be done in several ways, from slowing down the lovemaking, to more concrete concepts, such as clenching the PC muscles, or clenching and releasing other sets of muscles throughout the body. Another Tantric method suggests the man press his tongue to the roof of his mouth, and breathe deeply through the nose. You may also withdraw the penis slightly, so that only the tip remains inside her. Breathe slowly and deeply from the belly, clenching and relaxing the PC muscles and those around the anus.

The idea is that eventually, the male will begin to experience orgasm without ejaculation, a sensation much like the total-body orgasmic feeling that women experience. He will be able to orgasm over and over, without losing his erection or energy.

God and Goddess

Some sexual positions are male-dominant, some are female-dominant. Both celebrate the Goddess and God within us. The missionary position is male dominant, and is a wonderful sacred position whereby both partners can look into each other’s eyes. The whole-body contact is incredibly stimulating for both partners, and this position allows the man a great deal of control over speed and depth of thrust.

The Elephant posture is a position whereby the woman lies on her belly, and the man mounts her from behind, lying on top of her and yet supporting his weight with his arms. It is helpful to put a pillow under the woman’s hips. While this is a male-dominant position, the woman is able to tighten her thighs, wiggle her hips, and clench her PC muscles.

Many Tantric sexual positions have animal names. This is because Tantric scriptures state that we should embrace both our animal nature, and our divine selves. What we call “doggie style” can also be called “the Bull” as the man mounts the woman from behind.

The woman’s sexual fulfillment and joy is of paramount importance in Tantric sex. The woman is believed to be the source of sexual energy. In sacred sex, the man cannot truly be satisfied if the woman is not enjoying the experience. It’s important to share in the power roles that take place during sex. Try going from male-dominant to female-dominant positions and back again. Men must embrace the feminine energy within themselves, and women should explore the masculine energy they possess.

The classic female-dominant position is the woman on top. The man can bend his knees, allowing him more freedom to thrust. The woman is able to offer her breasts to her partner, at once sacred lover and mother. In this position, the woman has more control of speed and thrust, and is able to help her lover withhold ejaculation.

The Kali posture is a position in which the woman squats on top of the man, often holding his hands or clutching her own knees. This position gives the woman ultimate freedom over the depth and speed of thrusts. Enjoy her control, her energy, her passion.

Allow yourself to make noise. Just let whatever you are feeling fall out of your mouth, as if of it’s own accord. Writhe and sway, dance. Let your lovemaking be totally abandoned, without insecurities or fears.

Sometimes lovemaking becomes passionate and intense, fast and furious. Choose to slow down occasionally, look deeply into one another’s eyes, and reconnect by harmonizing your breathing. Just be aware of the warmth and closeness of your partner’s body, the passion in their eyes, and the soul within. Savor this time together, instead of rushing headlong toward climax.

Try rolling on your sides, facing one another, still joined. Rest, look into your partner’s eyes, and caress their body gently, while breathing together. Whenever the male partner needs stimulation to maintain his erection, the woman can slowly move her hips back and forth.

The moment of bliss

Unlike what many of us are used to, orgasm is not the goal of Tantric sex. Orgasm is a byproduct of the love and passion that you feel, the connection that you make with each other and the Universe. Orgasm is a moment of divine union, with each other, and with the whole world. In that moment, you achieve what you seek to achieve with meditation: you are completely in the moment, utterly lost in the Now. Your mind and soul are completely open, to your partner, to the Divine.

As orgasm approaches, relax and breathe together. Try to stay in that plateau phase that occurs just before orgasm, savoring the pleasure. Tantra, as I mentioned before, is about letting go. When you are ready, release your control over your breath and body, your mind and spirit. Simply open yourself up to the experience, and let the orgasm wash over you. In that moment, you are truly joined with your partner and with the Universe.

Orgasm has four phases in both men and women: arousal, plateau, climax, and resolution. Men and women vary, however, in the length of each phase. Men have a shorter arousal and plateau cycle, but a longer resolution cycle. Women need more time for both arousal and the plateau phase, part of the reason withholding ejaculation is so important.

After the female achieves orgasm, if the man has sufficient control, lovemaking can obviously continue. Try holding her in the yab yum position, but with the penis still inside. Look into her eyes and breathe together, gently moving your hips and sliding slowly within her. Gradually the intensity will build again, and she will be capable of another orgasm. Or several.

Afterglow

The afterglow, or post-coital time you spend together can be as precious as the act of lovemaking itself. Often times both partners can feel pleasantly drained, and possibly emotionally vulnerable. Men may feel tired and depleted for a while, as ejaculation releases a chemical in the brain that makes men sleepy and slow. Often women will feel more energized, so it’s important to try to synchronize with one another, to lie still and simply breathe, touching and caressing gently.

Tantric texts state that in the moments of afterglow, a couple’s energies come together and reach a state of balance. Stay together, cuddling and enjoying one another’s energy, relaxing and taking slow, deep breaths. Don’t rush off to the shower, but enjoy the mingling of your bodies fluids and sexy scents.

Lovemaking is a wonderful way to relax and prepare the body and mind for sleep. Sleeping in each other’s arms is part of the bliss.

What I didn’t say

There is so much more to Tantra and sacred sex than I am able to express. Hundreds of books have been written on the subject, some better than others. There are so many positions in the Tantric love text, the Kama Sutra. I haven’t even begun to address kundalini energy, an integral part of the lovemaking process, according to Tantra. There’s so much more to learn and discover about this fascinating art and philosophy.

Tantra is indeed not only a sexual thing, but a whole way of looking at life and being in the world. It’s about experiencing your whole self, who you are mentally, sexually, emotionally, spiritually. Indeed, it’s a study of life, and the learning process takes a lifetime. It is a worthwhile study.

Namaste.

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